| In This
Session:
|
| Story
about Marcia –
The author eloquently shares her personal journey through
the grief that followed the death of her daughter, Ellen, in an
automobile accident at 17. Move this and A Story About Daryl to
In this Session
Story
about Daryl –
"I never really knew what forever meant until my dad died,"
said Daryl Kipke of Tempe, AZ., whose father died of prostate
cancer at 65. "I can't believe that I'll never see him again.”
The
land of grief, with its sorrowful valleys and mountains that seem
too high to climb, is a destination all humans eventually find.
Its hallmarks are a sense of shock and numbness, a feeling of
being alone, and a desolation that searches for meaning. The American
emphasis on the quick fix creates impatience with grieving and
a low tolerance for this slow journey through sorrow. In the land
of grief, however, mourning does not have a timetable. The only
thing it requires of us is that we learn to absorb the loss, remember
our loved ones and learn to live well with, and in spite of, our
losses. |
| About
The Author:
|
| 
|
Marcia Lattanzi-Licht,
RN, MA, is a consultant and maintains a private practice
in Boulder, Colorado. Ms. Lattanzi-Licht has published widely
in the areas of coping with professional stress, loss
and bereavement care. She is the principal author of
The Hospice Choice: In Pursuit of a Peaceful Death. |
|
| Readings: |
| Living
with loss: Bereaved swim against tide of grief
By
Marcia Lattanzi-Licht |
| There was a time
when my grief was so loud I could barely stand the noise.
A drunken driver killed my daughter, Ellen, when she was
17. I remember the physical blow of hearing she was dead.
I couldn’t catch my breath and I couldn’t stop crying. It
seemed as if someone had set off a bomb that destroyed the
house of my life.
Everywhere I looked, there was loss.
The land of grief, with its sorrowful valleys and mountains
that seem too high to climb, is a destination all humans
eventually find. Its hallmarks are a sense of shock and
numbness, a feeling of being alone, and a desolation that
searches for meaning.
“It’s like a nightmare, and I kept hoping to wake up,” said
Marlene Wilson of Boulder, Colo., whose husband died suddenly.
“I never really knew what forever meant until my dad died,”
said Daryl Kipke of Tempe, Ariz., whose father died of prostate
cancer at 65. “I can’t believe that I’ll never see him again.”
As 76 million baby boomers creep up the ladder of years,
grief is there to meet them. More than 2.3 million people
die in the United States each year. Almost a million people
are widowed, and those who die usually leave behind adult
children. As the U.S. population ages, more Americans are
experiencing firsthand the pangs of grief, which knows no
racial, financial or religious boundaries.
Yet, how a society handles grief is not just an individual
challenge but a collective one. American emphasis on the
quick fix creates impatience with grieving and a low tolerance
for the slow journey through sorrow. The language of “closure”
falsely suggests that grief can be neatly wrapped up and
put away. Families are often scattered across the country,
making the reality of the loss remote for the individual’s
loved ones. Yet, grief is an experience that permanently
changes us.
When my daughter died in 1985, my thinking was scattered,
and I felt like an animal prowling, trying to protect what
was left of my world. I wished I could trade my life for
Ellen’s, but I wasn’t given that choice. I realized how
limited and powerless I was. As much as I loved Ellen, I
could not keep her alive. My faith was shaken. Suddenly
my life was smaller and poorer, and I felt a crushing burden
of sorrow weighing on me.
The only reason to keep on was that her brother, Steve,
16, needed me.
I also was angry. Ellen’s death was the result of someone
else’s irresponsible behavior. I felt cheated out of a lifetime
with her. And I was angry for Ellen’s brother, who not only
lost his best friend but also was now an only child.
Yet, I could see that it was painful for others to see the
depth of my anger and sorrow. That led me to keep my grief
quiet, except with the people I could trust to listen. Why?
I realized that people judge how well someone is doing in
mourning by the degree to which they do not show tears.
My experience was not unique.
Although Daryl Kipke was 37 years old when his father, Charles,
died last year, the void left him stunned and bereft. He’d
lost his mentor and friend.
“Who will be excited in the way dad was to hear about my
next project, my successes, or help me sort through ideas?
I thought we would have a lot more time together,” Kipke
said. He was especially heartbroken that his father would
miss seeing a brand new granddaughter, Tessa Rose, grow
up.
Kipke did some things that helped him cope and comprehend
the reality of his loss. He went to Michigan to help make
the decision with his family to end his dad’s life support.
Afterward, he found comfort in writing the obituary. He
visited a ballpark his dad had helped design to gain inspiration
for the eulogy.
But even though his five children and wife, Paula, supported
and stood by him at the funeral, Kipke had a hard time talking
much about his sorrow. He knew his wife was grieving in
her own way, as women do, by expressing her emotions and
seeking out relationships. There were times Kipke could
not do that. Like many men, he dove into his work and kept
his thoughts mostly to himself. He tried to be strong for
his mother, although even that hurt.
“It was difficult for me to see my mother alone when she
visited during the holidays. I was used to being with my
parents as a couple. They should have been able to grow
old together,” he said. “At 64, my Mom was too young to
be a widow.”
One of the most difficult parts of grief is this: It makes
us feel so alone. When loved ones die, survivors may feel
powerless, angry or shaken by a loss of innocence. The random
and cruel reality of illnesses and accidents challenges
us to feel safe in the world. Good and caring people die
of heart attacks, cancer and Alzheimer’s disease. Beautiful
daughters die in automobile accidents.
The paradox of grief? Just when we need the most support,
it can interfere with our ability to be close to others.
We long for closeness, but yet being close to others reminds
us that we can lose anyone and everyone we love. And grief
leaves us feeling diminished.
Experts will tell you that grief is not an illness or a
disease, but a process. It is isolating for people who experience
the death of a loved one to have others dismiss the importance
of mourning or urge them to “get over” their loss so they
can return to “normal.” In the land of grief, mourning does
not have a timetable. The only thing it requires of us is
that we learn to absorb the loss, remember our loved ones
and learn to live well with, and in spite of, our losses.
Friends, family and a faith community can walk with us.
If we still struggle, counselors, doctors and support groups
can help. As others hold us up, time passes. Gradually,
we realize that the compassion of others often comes from
empathy. They have been there, too.
“It’s as though people who have lost someone precious speak
a different language,” said a young mother in Boulder, Colo.,
whose daughter died of sudden infant death syndrome in 1994.
“I don’t have to explain things. There is a clear understanding
that is so comforting.”
Across time, the one thing that helped me to live without
Ellen was the unwavering caring and support that surrounded
me. It softened the sharpness of the tragedy of Ellen’s
death by reminding me that there were many good and loving
people in the world. The greatest learning I’ve had as I’ve
lived with Ellen’s death is that no one makes it through
a painful time alone.
People acknowledged the importance of the loss in a number
of ways: attending the funeral or memorial service, visiting,
sending cards, flowers, notes, bringing food, and phone
calls. The faces of friends and neighbors told me how difficult
it was for them to take in the reality of Ellen’s death.
In spite of their own sorrow, and the way the loss mirrored
in their lives, they came.
The thing people offered that helped the most was the ability
to listen in a non-judgmental way. And they were present,
walking with me through the long journey of mourning. They
helped me discover that I never had to like what happened
to Ellen, but I needed to find ways to live with the experience.
Most of all, they invited me to be a part of the world again.
My grief was most intense in the early weeks and months.
Sixteen years later, I still have moments when I wish I
could be with Ellen, to talk, laugh, disagree, shop, cook,
or just be together. I miss the years we didn’t have together,
her career, wedding, grandchildren, and most of all, the
ordinary family times.
When I think about how I have learned to live with loss,
I remember a phone conversation with my grandmother two
days after Ellen’s death. She listened and cried with me.
Then she spoke of her sister’s death in a tragic fire when
they were children. She said to me, “Marcia, never make
Steve feel bad that he’s still alive.” My grandmother was
reminding me that my job was to love my son well, and the
other people who were here to love. That does not mean that
she was telling me to forget Ellen, and “put the past behind
me.” Rather, she was telling me how the losses of her life
had shaped her and influenced the woman she became.
Today, I enjoy my life, and am incredibly grateful for my
many blessings. Ellen was one of the great gifts of my life.
There continues to be an empty space in my life without
her. And yet, all the other parts of my life remain sweet,
and perhaps more so with time. Ellen’s death has shown me
the great depth of caring and compassion that exists in
others. The support and love of friends and family continues
to be one of the richest parts of my life.
One thing is clear. Even though Ellen is gone, the love
I feel for her hasn’t died. No amount of time can alter
that. That love continues on inside me, like a song that
plays on, quietly, in the background of my days.
2001, Partnership for Caring, Inc.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.
|
|
| Tips: |
| Grief
and Loss
by Marcia Lattanzi-Licht
Here are some questions and answers to help you through the death
of a loved one:
- What
influences how we grieve? It depends not only on the age of
the person who died, your relationship with him or her and the
circumstances of death, but also on your own age and life experience,
how much support you have, your beliefs and your personality.
- What
does it feel like to grieve? You may experience any or all of
the following: guilt or anger, restlessness, a sense of unreality
about the loss, difficulty sleeping, eating and concentrating,
mood changes, a loss of energy, constant thoughts of the person
who died, and a need to talk about him or her.
- How
do we “get over” grief? Grief is not an illness or disease to
conquer. It is the response to loss. There is no timetable for
grief. How soon you integrate the loss and learn to live with
it depends on your relationship to the person who died and your
own adjustment to the empty space he or she left behind. Be
prepared for the fact that grief changes you.
- What
is the best way to support someone who is grieving? Acknowledge
the importance of the loss by attending the funeral or with
calls, notes, visits or memorial donations. Offer practical
help of meals, rides or babysitting. Be available to listen.
Talk about the person who died,
remembering personal qualities, stories or moments shared.
- What
should you never say to a person who has lost a loved one? Never
tell the person to think of things to be grateful for (no more
suffering, remaining children, years shared, etc.) Never tell
the person to hide grief, stop feeling grief, or that it’s time
to “get back to normal.”
- What
steps should an employer take when an employee loses a spouse
or child? Employers can help by inquiring about the loss, listening,
and being open to negotiating time off during the first year
following widowhood.
- What
are some ways to help children grieve? Depending on their developmental
stage, they may have a hard time grasping the concept of death’s
permanence. Children also tend to move in and out of grief;
one minute they seem fine and the next they don’t. In general,
explain as much as you can in a way they will understand. Don’t
lie or hide the truth. Let them ask questions and give them
plenty of time to talk. Try to maintain your family routines
and rules. Tell your child that you feel sad and are grieving,
and that it is OK if they feel the same way. But don’t lean
on him or her for support. Get counseling for yourself, so you
can be stronger for your child. Tell your child’s teacher what
has happened. And try to make sure many caring people are available
to your child.
- Are
there resources on the Web that can help grieving people? Yes,
but do not let Web-based grief sites substitute for personal
interaction with others. Also, be wary of Web sites that try
to take advantage of your bereavement, particularly ones that
want to sell you something — memory quilts made out of the loved
one’s clothes, candles, journals, commemorative lighted portraits,
memorial trees or vanity press biographies. If you see the words,
“A Treasured Gift for Those Who Mourn,” hold on to your wallet.
- Where
can I get help? Look for bereavement support close to home first.
Contact your church, synagogue or mosque; hospices and hospitals;
mental health or counseling centers; funeral homes or local
aging organizations.
|
| Discussion
Questions: |
- What
different characteristics or dimensions influence how we grieve?
How did Marcia's loss differ from Daryl's?
- What
reasons did Marcia and Daryl have to continue on? How did they
each cope with their loss?
- Does
our relationship end with the death of a loved one? How
does the relationship change? Given what you learned about
grief from Marcia's and Daryl's experiences, how would your
describe the changes in the ways we relate to a deceased loved
one across time.
- What do you consider
"healing" to be for grieving persons? How does our
society limit people in their grieving? How can we best offer
support to someone who is grieving?
- What is the eventual
outcome of grief? What kind of healthy adaptation do people
work toward across time?
|
| Points
and Observations:
|
| Marcia:
The death of a child is a profound loss, with lifelong implications.
Marcia reflects on the way she relates to her changed world, finding
comfort in her relationship and memories of Ellen. The main criteria
she offers for living with loss is the ability to continue to
be a loving, contributing person.
Daryl:
Daryl's Dad's death was his first major loss. He misses his Dad,
and notices the different ways that relationships and dynamics
in his family have changed. Daryl's Dad was his model, and he
hopes to keep his memory alive in the ways he works, and in the
kind of father he is. |
| References: |
- Fumia, M. (1992).
Safe passage. Berkeley, CA: Conari Press.This book
is both accessible and readable. It offers meditative reflections
on the grief process that are grounded in the reality of the
experience and balanced with hope
- Fitzgerald, H.
(1995). The mourning handbook. New York: Fireside.A
helpful and practical book that offers a sound overview of loss
and the responses to it. Many useful resources are listed.
- Grollman, E. (1997)..
Living when a loved one has died. Boston: Beacon Press.This
classic book, in its recent revision, is very helpful for people
in the early times of grief. It describes the feelings of grief
in a straightforward and reassuring way.
- Kushner, H. (1994).
When bad things happen to good people. New York: Avon
Books.This book is one of the most widely read and valued books
on living with loss. Kushner describes his personal struggle
with his faith and with his son's illness and death. It is a
powerful and inspiring account.
- Lewis, C. S. (1976).
A grief observed. New York: Bantam Books.This book
is a classic, exploring Lewis' responses to the death of his
wife. His writing examines the way loss impacts one's faith.
- McCracken, A.,
& Semel, M. (Eds.). (2000). A broken heart still beats:
After your child dies. Florida: Hazeldon.
The power of this book lies in the range of the interviews and
stories it shares. The authors present a sound framework weaving
together the experiences of diverse people who have dealt with
the loss of a child.
- Myers, E. (1997).
When parents die: A guide for adults.. New
York: Viking Penguin. This practical guide for adult children
helps with the understanding of, and adjustment to, the death
of a parent. The second edition is an update of the original
successful book.
- Rando, T. (1991).
Grieving: How to go on living when someone you love dies.
New York: Bamtam. This book is loaded with information on the
adjustment to loss. The focus is helpful and positive.
- Sanders, C. (1992).
Surviving grief. New York: John Wiley & Sons.
Dr. Sanders speaks from the wealth of her personal and professional
experience. Her book is both moving and wise.
- Viorst, J. (1986).
Necessary losses. New York: Simon & Schuster. An
intelligent book, exploring the complex dynamics of loss, and
ways we integrate the experience
|
| Links: You must be connected
to the internet for these links to work. |
| AARP
Information for widows and widowers.
601 E St., NW
Washington, DC 20049
1-800-424-3410
www.aarp.org./griefandloss/
Hospice
Foundation of America
Offers information to professionals and families about caregiving,
terminal illness, loss and bereavement.
2001 S Street, NW, Suite 300
Washington, DC 20009
(202) 638-5419 or 1-800-854-3402
www.hospicefoundation.org
The
Compassionate Friends
For parents who have lost a child.
PO Box 3696
Oakbrook, IL 60522
(877) 969-0010
www.compassionatefriends.org
National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
Provides a search for hospice and palliative care, as well as
statistics, resources and information.
1700 Diagonal Road, Suite 300
Alexandria, VA 22314
(703) 837-1500
www.nhpco.org
The
Center for Grieving Children
Provides educational and support materials to grieving children,
teens, their families, schools and other community agencies who
support them.
49 York Street
P.O. Box 1438
Portland, ME 04104
(207) 775-5216
www.cgcmaine.org
|
|