Thomas Lynch is a poet, essayist and funeral director. Mr. Lynch is an adjunct professor of creative writing at the graduate writing program at University of Michigan. He has written extensively on end-of-life issues. His collection of essays, The Undertaking (W.W. Norton, 1997) won an American Book Award and was a finalist for the National Book Award. His most recent book is Bodies in Motion and at Rest.

Grief, faith and farewell: Last rites say ‘I was here’

By Thomas Lynch

All that Michael’s father would ever say, whenever he had anything at all to say about it, was, “When I’m dead, just cremate me.”
Michael had heard this as a boy fishing with his father before the divorce, and he heard it when his Uncle Larry died, driving his sobbing father in the funeral procession; and he heard it again when his father had the first of several heart attacks. He heard it more and more, as his father’s life seemed to be constricting with age and infirmity and the inevitable. “When I’m dead, just cremate me.”
Over the years Michael had figured out that the operative word in the directive was not “cremate,” but “just.” His father did not so much want his body burned as he didn’t want to be a bother to his son. He didn’t want to “cost” him anything — emotionally or financially.
Like many Americans, Michael’s father mistook a quick disposition of the corpse for an easier, more convenient grief, as if getting rid of the body meant getting rid of the pain, as if death need not be dealt with if the dead quickly disappeared.
And, like many Americans, Michael’s father thought cremation was an alternative to “all that funeral bother” — the roses and limousines and a three-day wake, a casket with all the bells and whistles, a preacher and music.
“Just throw a big party, Mike. I want everyone to have a good time, drinks on me. None of that weeping and carrying on,” he’d say. Years ago, his father, responding to the “You-don’t-want-to-be-a-burden-to-your-children-do-you?” sales pitch from a telemarketer selling cemetery plots, had paid for all of his arrangements in advance — the box, the burning and the urn.
“It’s all taken care of, Mike,” his father had said. “You won’t have to do a thing.”
Michael, being a loving son, would never argue. And, anyway, he didn’t like to think about his father being dead. He would cross that bridge when he came to it.
When he came to it — that Sunday evening last October when he found his father slumped in the wing-back chair, the Weather Channel on the TV, the Sunday paper on the coffee table, the lights from passing cars outside mixing in the room’s half-light — he didn’t have a clue. He had planned for the fact but not the feeling: the overwhelming helplessness, the vexing sense that he should do something. But here he was, his father dead at 75, and Michael had nothing to do.
Every day, according to U.S. Census Bureau figures, 6,300 Americans die. The families of the dead face the ever-widening options in caskets or services or music or urns. Most of the dead will be buried, some will be entombed, one in four will be cremated. The average funeral will cost nearly $5,000. Some will cost five times that much, others one-fifth.
And there seems, of late, across North America, a greater pressure to “pre-arrange” it all on the hopeful notion that to pre-plan the funeral is to pre-grieve the grief. Funerals have been pre-planned since the pyramids and pre-paid since folks stuffed money into mattresses or put aside a little something against the inevitable day. But the pre-selling of funerals — the hard-sell, junk-mail, telemarketed, door-to-door, bargain-in-a-briefcase brand of mortuary sales common to the current marketplace — is something new. It is driven less by consumer interest than by the sales quotas and commissions of the large mortuary and insurance companies that want to secure the future market share of aging baby boomers.
But while the fashions in funerals are various and changing, and the social, ethnic and religious contexts ever in flux, the fundamental obligations remain. At their best, funerals provide a forum for the healthy expression of grief and faith, family history and forgiveness, witness and remembrance.
Ever since the first Neanderthal widow buried her mate, funerals have served the living by seeing off the dead. Every culture known to humankind has devised rituals and ceremonies to deal with the troubling facts of mortality — that grief is the tax paid on attachments, love hurts, a death in the family, like a birth, must be observed. Funerals define and affirm the changed status of the dead and the living survivors. The deceased and the bereaved are brought, by these last rites of passage, to the brink of whatever new reality the society assigns: heaven, oblivion, bereavement or release.
In the end, Michael decided the value of a funeral was not in how much it cost. It was not about the boxes or the bargains or the insurance. His father’s death belonged not only to his father, but to him and to his children and to his father’s friends and neighbors — those he had worked with, lived with, grown up with and grown old with. And he figured that as much as he had to live with the decisions, he would make some.
He figured his father would understand.
In a sense he had to re-invent the funeral, borrowing a little something from the various traditions and memories. The priest came to say the old prayers, which had their comforts, though his father had grown distant from the church. The U.S. Army sent soldiers to fold the flag and play taps. Though it was years since his dad had marched off to war, their presence was important to Michael.
And he had his father laid out because he figured seeing was believing, hard as it was, and because a funeral without his father’s body there made no more sense to him than a baptism without the baby or a wedding without the bride. When he looked at his father there, so still, in his blue sport coat and button-down plaid shirt, with his fly rod tucked in beside him and the grandchildren’s pictures, the range of feelings was breathtaking — from sadness to thanksgiving and everywhere in between.
And then he had his father’s body cremated, not because it was less bother but because it was what he asked for. He took some of the ashes to the river where they’d fished together and scattered them. He took some to the grave where his father’s people were, back in Ohio, and buried them there. He put some in an urn and gave it to his father’s woman friend.
And he kept some of the ashes in his father’s tackle box against the day, somewhere in the future, when after his mother died, he’d bury some of his father’s ashes with her in a grave over which he would put a stone that might read: “Mother & Father — Together Again.”

2001, Partnership for Caring, Inc.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.

The numbers are fairly convincing on this: 100 percent of us will die.
Here are some tips to help make this event as neatly planned as possible for you and your family:

• Plan ahead for age and illness, death and bereavement. Talk openly with your family about your concerns and preferences. Get information about funerals, cremation and expenses in advance.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your pastor, rabbi, priest, imam or shaman can help you shape the important questions. Often it is the asking, more than the answers, that helps us the most.
• Rely on faith to allay your fears. Whether you are devout or lapsed in your religion, your faith — with its doubts and wonderments and uncertainties — or your spirituality will help you through the darkest and most difficult hours.
• Make the acquaintance of a licensed funeral director you can trust, someone who is accountable by name and reputation. Ask around. Get referrals. Deal with someone who has more than a commission or sales quota in the transaction. Find someone you could call in the middle of the night if someone you love died and you needed help.
• Let your family take part in the decisions that they will have to live with. You can pre-plan the funeral but you cannot pre-grieve the grief.
• Don’t confuse a casket for a funeral. The most expensive casket will not get you into heaven — or keep you out.
• Be wary of “memorial counselors,” “death care professionals,” package deals and telemarketers who call you in the middle of dinner trying to sell you something.
• Keep the difficult vigils with the dying, the dead and the bereaved. The gift of presence, the ministry of listening, the human kindness of being there, the power of witness — these are essential exercises in humanity.
• If you’ve lost someone, make time to mourn. Go the distance. Weep, laugh, pray, love, give thanks and praise, comfort, mend, honor and remember.

Discussion Questions:

1. To whom does the funeral “belong”? Who should have the decisions about what will or won’t be done? To whom will it matter – the dead or the living? What about planning? Are there things about death, grief and mourning that cannot or should not be pre-arranged? Who should do the planning?
2. What is the value of the funeral? Why do we bother? Would it be easier just to dispose of the body and get on with life? Or are there good reasons why humans have always done these things? If we didn’t do funerals, would grief go away?
3. Should the dead be invited to their funerals? What is the importance of the dead body in these rites? Is grief complicated or eased when the body is not there? What about the families of the victims of the September 11th attacks, who not only died but who disappeared, their bodies never recovered again?
4. Can we distinguish between the fundamental obligations of funeral rites and the fashionable options? Example: Are public ritual and ceremony fundamental to a funeral or just the fashion? Are caskets and flowers fundamental to a funeral or just the fashion? Is the presence of the body just the fashion or is it fundamental? Is the disposition of the dead a fundamental part of funerals or just a fashion? What is essential, optional; what is permanent or passing fancy. Discuss.

Points and Observations:

1. It is clear that Michael’s father wanted to make it “easier” for Michael, to be no bother to him – “none of that weeping and carrying on.” But it is also clear that the dead can’t tell the living what to feel. Michael found himself stuck between his father’s wishes and his own needs. The only way to avoid grief, it seems, is to avoid love, attachment, and human relationships.
   
2. Burial and cremation are two among the several ways humans have found to dispose of their dead with honor. And yet, in our culture, cremation is seen not as an alternative to burial, but as an alternative to a funeral. Too often cremation is seen as cost efficiency and convenience, a way to disappear the dead, rather than to dispose of them with honor. Are there ways that we can vest cremation with the same ritual value and meaning that attends earth burial?

References:

1. Zeitlin, S., & Harlow, I. (2001). Giving voice to sorrow: Personal responses to death and mourning. New York: Perigee Books. This newly published book, by two young New Yorkers, covers the importance of personal narrative, story telling, ritual and ceremonies and community in dealing with death and bereavement. .
2. DeSpelder, L., & Strickland, A. (1996). The last dance: Encountering death and dying. New York: Mayfield. This is the textbook of choice for serious students in a variety of fields related to mortality and mortuary issues. Requisite reading for a variety of professionals.
3. Prothero, S. (2001). Purified by fire: A history of cremation in America. University of California Press. Prothero has given a comprehensive look at the practice of cremation in the United States placing it in social, historical, psychological, religious and professional context.
4. Manning, D. (2001). The funeral. In-Sight Books. This brief book is a wonderful read by a clergyman and careful thinker on the importance of last rites.
5. Neuhaus, R. (Ed.). (2000). The eternal pity: Reflections on dying. University of Notre Dame Press, 2000. Some of the best thinkers and writers alive and dead from Dickens and Tolstoy to A. Alvarez and Carol Zaleski --are collected in this perfectly assembled anthology. Fr. Neuhaus Introduction is among the very best on the subject. A must read for all pilgrims.
6. Munro, E. (2000). Readings for remembrance. Penguin Books. Great voices selected by a great reader and writer, for those who must assemble funerals and memorial services. Or for those who just like meaningful reading.
7. Harris, J. W. (1999). (Ed.). Remembrances and celebrations: A book of eulogies, elegies, letters and epitaphs. Pantheon Books. Another anthology of relevant texts, perfect for anyone looking for resource material for funerals, condolence letters, memorial services, homilies or meditations.
8. Taylor, R. (2000). Death and the afterlife: A cultural encyclopedia. Santa Barbara, CA: ABC-CLIO. This is a rich tour of all the ways that human beings have regarded and responded to death though history and across a wide variety of cultures and geographies.
9. Lynch, T. (1998). The undertaking: Life studies from the dismal trade. New York: Penguin. A collection of essays on life, death, grief, love, mourning, mortality, and the meaning of funerals by a funeral director and poet. Winner of the American Book Award, finalist for the National Book Award.
10. Lynch, T. (June, 2000) Last rites. Harpers Magazine. This article covers the state of the marketplace at the end of the 20th century. Deals with consolidation, pre-need, consumer abuses, and the difference between the cost and value of what we do when someone dies.

Beliefnet
Billing itself as the "source for spirituality, religion and morality", Beliefnet is an online community that offers comprehensive information on death, grief, bereavement and funerals. Especially worthy are this site's comparative religion features.
www.beliefnet.com

Funerals: A Consumer's Guide 
Published by the Federal Trade Commission.
1-877-FTC-HELP
www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/services/funeral.htm

National Public Radio's series ÒExploring Death in America
An exceptionally wide-ranging and well-balanced collection of "voices" and resources including bibliographies, interviews, sample chapters from important texts and personal stories.
www.npr.org/programs/death/

On Our Own Terms: Moyers on Dying.
This groundbreaking PBS series, first aired in the fall of 2000, spurred an ongoing program of community outreach.
www.thirteen.org/onourownterms

The American Association for Death Education and Counseling
A professional organization dedicated to promoting excellence in death education, bereavement counseling and care of the dying. 
342 North Main Street
West Hartford, CT 06117-2507 
(860) 586-7503
www.adec.org

The "Last Acts¨ Campaign
A national outreach program for end-of-life issues, including hospice care, public policy debates, and funding issues. A comprehensive site, it is a wonderful resource for individuals and communities seeking better care for the dying and bereaved.
1951 Kidwell Drive, Suite 205 
Vienna, VA 22182 
(703) 827-8771
www.lastacts.org

The Funeral Consumers Alliance 
Provides information for consumers about funeral ethics, affordability and legal issues.
P.O. Box 10
Hinesburg, VT
(802) 482-3437.
www.funerals.org

The National Funeral Directors Association
Offers useful consumer guidelines, demographic information and helpful links to other national and international organizations.
13625 Bishop's Drive
Brookfield, WI 53005
1-800-228-6332
www.nfda.org